Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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