Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
