just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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