did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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