I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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