Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
