I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
