Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
