Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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