guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
