I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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