she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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