Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
