I smell stomach acid.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
