please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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