please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
