mondays should just be called national damage control day
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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