all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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