happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
