I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
