I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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