The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Pants are for mortals
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
