so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
