Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
