Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
