life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
