So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
