yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
