Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
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Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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