don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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