I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
