I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
