her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
