Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
