people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
kristin has been a bad kristin
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
