My room smells like vodka and shame
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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