can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
