I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
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I won't be able to get a boner for a month
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy