too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
