just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
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I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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