I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
