Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
