dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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