There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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