and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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