i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
a search helicopter?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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