he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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