Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
