things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
