We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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