Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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