i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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