Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
