forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
