well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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